[ FAN FIC : WHEN I LOOK AT HIM ]

When I look at him, my heart says, “Don’t ever let him go” but, at that moment, I know, I shouldn’t be this away, I should let him go, but I was so afraid, because he’s apart of me, once he’s gone my life is fell apart . Few years later, I’m all alone, in this world. I wasn’t like this before. Before this happen, I was the happiest girl you ever met. Everyone wants to be me.  I have everything I want, I have him by my side and I have my family and good friends who always there for me. But, everything turns upside down in just a blink of an eye in a single day.

One day, my family and I, went to a vacation. We were excited about getting into a plane since it’s our  first time experience for our family, but, sweet memory turn into disaster when the plane that our family got in, is struck by lightning, and the plane crash into ocean. Lots of people died due to the accident include my family. Before my eyes, I saw my father; mother and sister exhale their last breath before they leave. All I remember was their white pale face and cold skin. At that moment, I thought I was going to be next in line, joining them in heaven, but I got rescue by the rescue team. Few days I sleep alone in hospital, remembering back my last memory with my family, everyday I look their picture; when I missed them a lot. One day, just when I got discharged from hospital. Suddenly a tall guy walking towards the lobby, he was worried and restless and catching his breath as if he just runs 100 miles. That man is my fiancé, GD. When he comes, I was so happy that I still one person that I love the most in the world. When our eyes lock each other, we were 5 foot away but, we take a moment looking at each other. He steps forward and immediately, hugs me tightly, his right hand holding my head firmly; put my head at his bare chest. 

Repeatedly he said, “Everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be fine” 

then I start cry, he still holding my body, holding it from it break down. We stand like that, for hours at the lobby, ignoring the attentions, we just hug each other, and with his physique, he covers my face with his gesture ; wont let anyone sees me crying. I can hear his heart beat, “thump ,thump” so calm. When I wipe my tears, with his tees, 

he was like, “its okay, u can make my shirt dirty” when he says that, a smile shine from his face warms my heart.

After that, he takes me home. We were at airport and I was suddenly, flashing back the memories of my family when we are about to take off. It was so hard for me, but GD was right besides me, holding my hand tight no letting me break apart again, and leading me to the plane with such confidence in him. During the flight, he was being totally protecting of me, never let go of me, always keep me warm, and whenever, I fall asleep, he lent me his shoulder and cover me with a blanket. Soon after we land, we go to his house, as we walk in, he promise me, that he’ll always be there when I need him and I meant the world for him. Gently, he plant a soft kiss on my forehead, then, he slowly grabs both my hand, kiss it. 

He whispers, I will never let this hand away from my sight, my heart and my soul. 

Then, he kneel down, he said, will u marry me? 

“Gd. What are you trying to say here?” I asked with tears. 

He said “I want u to be my wife, my soul mate , my life partner and i want you as apart of my life.”

The moment he says that, my tears couldn’t stop from flowing, my face was blush and my heart couldn’t beat any faster than this. With a single breath I answer his question, “yes, I’ll marry you”

A month after we married, our life is filled with great memories, and our first month anniversary is just about the corner, and both of us, already planned on going to a special place for our occasion. 

Its 8 o’clock now and I still haven’t still him at home yet. I was worried of him, so I call him. After few calls, I still didn’t get any reply call or messages. I know he must be busy, so I just patiently wait for him till he comes home. 3 am in the morning, I look at the clock, still no sign of him. When I reach my phone, I call him again, thank god, he answer his call. “honey, where are you now?” with calm voice I asked him gently. He replies “Sorry, dear. I was at studio and now I’m at my car on my way to go home.”  You say, “Okay, please drive carefully, okay.” He replies “okay, see u at home!” 4.30 am, finally, he reach home, he put his bag down and crash the sofa as soon he sees it.  When I come to him, I massage his back, to make him feel good. He turns and gets up, he hugs me, and say “ahh, I always feel good when u massage my back.” He jokes, then I say, “tired, honey?” he goes “ya, I am, soon, our group gonna release a new song, hurm don’t sure, if it good enough for our VIPs” end his word with worrisome. Then he reach out his hand to my shoulders, pull me closer; hold me firmly and kiss me gently at my neck. Then he looks at my face, kiss my both cheeks, forehead and lastly, my lips. I pull my self away from him, but he refuse to, and so he keeps kissing me all his might. 7 o’clock in the morning, both of us were panting; catching our breath and looking at each other. He move my bangs to a side, to see clear image of me, when he does, he goes kiss me lightly, and say, good morning beautiful. Then, he carries my weak body to bed room. Cover me with only single blanket and he goes to shower. After he come out, with wet body, he goes near me, care my hair, kiss me again and this time it was hot kiss that make me awake from my dream.

After I done making him a breakfast, he goes to his office at YG building. When the door close, there goes, my boring day is start again, when I sit at my couch to watch news, suddenly, my sight went dark. 

When I open my eyes again, all I can see is his face again, when I try to speak, he say “shh, don’t speak. You at hospital now dear.” When he says, I’m at hospital now. I feel weird and weak at the same time. Gd holds my hand firmly, and he keep touching my face and say “everything is gonna be alright” then a doctor comes to me, and he wants to see GD alone. After few minutes, GD comes back with long face and wet tears on his cheeks. When I pull my mask down, I ask “What’s wrong with me, dear?” He didn’t answer my question. When I try to get awake little bit, he said, “Don’t, move! Please, I need you to have rest. Please, stay lie on bed okay. Don’t you worry a thing, nothing is wrong with you.” The way he said it, I know, that look. He is telling a lie. I always glad that I marry to a guy who really can’t tell a lie, from his expressions you know, that he was worried about something but he refuse to say it out loud, because he doesn’t like it, when people around him feel sad or mourn. The next day, I feel that my body is whole again, and I can walk like I used to, when GD is at YG building, I go to my doctor’s office and ask him about my condition. When I heard it, I couldn’t believe it, but when I saw it, I was speechless and my hands trembling , knee got weak and I couldn’t move for 5 minutes.

Gd got back from work and went to my ward, when he came in, he was cheery like he was before. My heart say, “It must be hard on him, when he found out, that I have brain tumor and I only have few months left in my life” when he takes out all the fruit he bought for me, gently, I pull his hand and hug him tightly, say “Thank you, for being my side” He say “What is wrong with you? I’m always by your side. I’m you and you are me. We are one, there’s no way, that I’m going to leave you.”

Then my heart whisper, “But I’m going to leave you soon, is it okay? Will you be able to live with out me by your side?” 

Suddenly, tear drops on my face and I quickly wipe it off before he comes near. When he came, I was pretend to be surprise, and ate it like I always do as if we never heard such news that could break our heart. Days went by, I never showed GD the weak sight of me, when he gave me pills to eat, I eat it with out without delay, but what he didn’t knew is, the cancer is getting worse and my time is up in anytime soon. One day, while both of us, having peaceful time at park, suddenly I feel really tired, and I lean at his broad shoulder, he say, “Are you tired already? But, the sunset isn’t here yet.” 

Then, I kiss his lips softly , whisper, “its okay, the most important that I have you right here with me” he smiles then kiss my forehead and say “me too, u mean the world to me.” When I close my eyes, I whisper say “Good bye, my love” 

then, I’m gone from the world. I saw myself looking at him, and I thought, “oh, I already left” then, I saw, he calling my name, trying to wake me up from my “sleep” when I didn’t budge, he was panicking and shouted my names many times so I wake up. 

When he tried to read my pulse, it was gone. When he realize it, he shouts say “NO, NO, it’s not the time yet! Please, oh God! Please, don’t take her away from me! NO!” he keeps holding my body, and crying non-stop and shouting . 

 

At night, after the funeral, he was alone in our home,  looking like a zombie, went to a fridge and get beer, and drink all by him self and crying while holding my picture. I said to myself “I couldn’t see him like this, but, what can I do? I’m already gone. There’s nothing I can do” then, I appear in his dream. At his dream, I saw he was sitting under a tree, crying all by himself. I come closer to him, and he saw me coming, he was shock and immediately, hugs me and crying repeatedly says “please don’t go, please don’t. Please don’t leave me alone” then I say, “I’m so sorry, that my departure make you like this” I hold his hands and touch his wet face, feels his soft skin, and I kiss him gently, and whisper to his ear, “but, I love you. So, please don’t cry, please live your life like you did before” 

I try to walk away, he catches me, hugs me from behind, his grip become more tight than before and firm, 

and say madly, “NO! I won’t! I want to stay here, with you! By my side for eternity! I can’t live without you! So, please! Let me stay here! And be by your side, just like we promise!”  

Tears drop starts to fall, my body got weak by his words, I want to stay but, I can’t so, I say “Baby, look at me. I’m fine. Look around you, its nice isn’t it? I’ll stay here and wait for you. So, till the time comes, please, live your life to the fullest, for your fans , friends , family and most importantly, for me.” 

he goes interrupt, “but, I wont be the same without you!” gently, 

I hug him back, I pat his back and goes, “ You are G-Dragon, the one and only. the only person that I know, the toughest guys and most sweet person I ever known. Of course you can, dear.” 

Then he looked down on me, placed his forehead with mine, and say, “Okay, please wait for me.” 

I reply, “Forever and ever, I’ll wait for you here” I smile and he vanished before my eyes.

Then my tears start to fall again, and I said, “Sorry, I lied. I won’t be here when you come. So, please G-Dragon, live your life for me.”  Since that day, I always watching over he and I always pray for him. But, I knew, I couldn’t stay like this forever, so I leave him again and went to heaven that awaits me more than ever. GOOD BYE, MY LOVE. I’ll always remember you. 

THE END ~